Looking back, my husband was trying to help me through my rough spot. His view point was, if he could make the farm sustainable, then I could have my wish of being a stay at home mom. All I saw was him spending more money. He always had the best of intensions, I just chose to ignore them.
About 18 months after having my daughter, my mood was slowly shifting, spring was coming and it lifted my spirits to see more sunshine, being outside and at last talking to my husband about how I was feeling. This was a huge turning point for our marriage, he explained to me that he supports whatever I want to do. I chose to stay employed due to the fact that if I quit my job, the dream of the farm wouldn’t ever happen because we needed the money to tie up a few loose ends.
My marriage was at its best after I started to talk more and not shutdown. We worked together on finances, infrastructure, and business plans to figure out if we both were on the same page. Turns out that our goals aligned most of the time.
Then I got pregnant again. I know what my husband was thinking: here we go again. This time however, I was determined to not let myself fall into the hole that I finally dug myself out of.
I had my son in September via VBAC (vaginal birth after a C-section). What an amazing moment. The recovery was fantastic! I felt good, and before I left I made sure to tell the nurses that I had PPD with my last child and they made an appointment with the doctor at two weeks instead of the typical six post-partum. From there, the doctor prescribed me a low level anti-depressant, and I took all twelve weeks off to bond with my baby. I am not sure what helped more, probably a combination of both, but I felt better going back to work this time around. I was more confident in my mothering abilities, and I talked about whatever was bothering me. I was feeling good.